Cruel Timing

I write a lot of posts that involve the date and the specific amount of time that has passed. And I don’t do this by coincidence or due to the fact that I don’t have enough to talk about. I do this simply because I believe that time plays a humungous role in human life – even if it is a concept that we made up.

It has been just shy of five weeks. 34 days if you want to get specific. 816 unbearable and unchangeable hours since I broke my own heart and walked away from the guy who I am pretty sure is the love of my life – and who has been since long before I ever knew what love was.

Naive eh?

A Personal mistake.

One massive weak moment.

A decision that can be easily described as pure and utter stupidity.

Trust me, I’ve called myself every name in the book and gone over every single scenario more than not. I’ve tried being angry, I’ve tried crying, I’ve tried distraction, I’ve tried letting the pain embrace me until my entire world turns black and empty and for a few minutes, on the perfect day, I can pretend that everything is alright again.

But on top of being a huge believer in the importance of time – I am also a huge believer in the fact that regardless of what happens in movies – love really isn’t enough in this crazy messed up world we live in.

There are too many components, way too many obstacles and an abundance of unchangeable factors that make love, regardless of how strong and pure, impossible if the timing isn’t right.

And unfortunately for me, and my very broken heart – all the components that I needed never lined up in the perfect way that is needed in order to make a relationship work.

I am a girl that believes in timing. Whether it is the amount of time that has passed or the timing that you need from the universe to get your happily ever after. But, I am not sure that I am a believer in the fact that time heals all wounds. Because, I am not entirely sure that every wound is supposed to heal – especially not broken hearts.

So right now I sit here very confident that I made the right decision to walk away, but still praying on every star and sign that I see that one-day the universe will cut us a break.

But, until then, I will continue to mourn the boy that I so desperately still need and who I haven’t let go of, not one bit since he left.

And maybe the next time a random stranger asks me about my life, I won’t so easily mention my boyfriend who is no longer even mine.

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