This morning I woke up before the break of dawn. Literally it was (and still is) pitch black outside. To be even more specific, it was 4:30 a.m. when for the first time in a long time anxiety took over my life.
I laid awake in my bed, unable to close my eyes, barely able to find the energy to turn on a light and in a complete and utter panic.
The most obvious question here would be: “what on earth I was so worked up about?” Which ironically, is the one question I cannot answer.
I was worried about scheduling my life in February and March – which by the way is 2-3 months away. I was worried about finding a full time job next summer and which town I was going to end up in. I was worried about surviving the next 24 hours on the lack of sleep I was enforcing upon myself.
I was worried about every single thing that was completely out of my control at 4:30 a.m.
At 5:30 a.m. I finally gave up on trying to count sheep and boiled a pot of water.
This is where I write you from now. I am back curled up in my heated bed, with “Friends” keeping me company and blocking out the insecure voices in my head, and a massive cup of hot chocolate within arms reach.
I gave up on trying to block out my fears and go back to sleep, but I didn’t completely give into my anxiety today so I am counting this morning as a win – albeit a sleepy one.
I didn’t crawl out of bed and print off 12 printable calendars and then plan out the next 12 months of my life – which I desperately wanted too. (And yes, I am still fighting the urge but it is diminishing).
I didn’t apply to 57 summer jobs in December before the New Year even braced us with it’s presence.
And I didn’t clean my apartment, or check my bank account, or look into the final deadlines of first semester.
Instead, this morning I found myself with approximately 3 extra hours then I normally have in my day. And I decided that although it felt like the weight of the world was crushing me, it was a sign that I NEEDED these 3 extra hours for myself.
I filled my belly full of warm chocolatey happiness.
I turned my heated bed back up to full blast.
I got out my laptop and for the first time in weeks I wrote a blog.
And I am set up with my brand new writing prompt book that my best-friend got me for Christmas.
It’s just after 6 a.m. and the sun still hasn’t began to rise, but my anxieties are beginning to settle and my heart beat is starting to regulate again.
I have no idea what sprung this random attack this morning, but instead of looking at it negatively and hating the rest of the day because I was woke up hours before my alarm – I am going to believe that this was a sign that I just needed a little extra “me” time today.