Present-Day Self.

2016 has been, without a doubt, a complete whirlwind for me. And I am in no ways trying to hint that it has been bad, because if I have to be completely honest it has been pretty awesome. But regardless of how it has been positively effecting my life, it has been extremely crazy… and I have come to learn that regardless if it is a “good busy” or a “bad busy” that any type of busy means stressful.

So for me, the last three months have been completely consumed by commitments and responsibilities that are eventually (hopefully) going to aid in my future. And I have taken them all on; head first, without slowing down or stopping to think about just how much I actually took on.

Which evidently brings us to tonight.
The end of March.
The end of my second semester of second year.
The end of winter (maybe).

I think you get the point… the “end of March” is actually a metaphor for a ton of things that are ending and need to be wrapped up.

For me, the “end of March” means drowning in essays and due dates. Which normally wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t paired with all the other things I also have committed to on a daily bases. However, it basically means that I have absolutely no “me-time” by the time I have completed my “to-do” list at the end of each day.

I should also mention that it is only Tuesday.

Yesterday I spent over 9 hours on campus trying to hammer out a 1500 word essay on Medieval Literature. I am partly to blame because I might have pushed it off a little longer then I should have, but writing about the 1600’s for 9 hours in a row really could be used as a torture device (if that was still a thing in modern day). Either way, I got the essay started, edited, and completely finished (even though I might have smashed my head off the table too many times to count) and that competition should have taken some of the weight off my shoulders… but it didn’t.

In fact, if anything, I think finishing that essay added more weight than it gave me relief. It could have to do with the fact that it was my shortest and easiest essay to complete – my other three are significantly longer and on topics that I need Aliens to help me understand. (So if anyone has connections to the great worlds that lie beyond our reach here on Earth, you would really be helping me out here because I don’t see how I am going to get these essay done without the help of some space knowledge).

As you might be able to tell, I am a little overwhelmed. As I’m sure all university students are. It honestly feels like I am eating, sleeping, and breathing deadlines and final assignments. And no matter how many things I knock off my never-ending “to-do” list, there is always more to be done.

Luckily today I only had to stay on campus for 5 hours. This gave me enough time to attend class, work on some other essays, and put the final touches on the one that’s due tomorrow. 5 hours was still hell, but I’ll take it over the 9 hours I had to endure yesterday.

As I sat in my last class of the day, staring at the dreadful snow that is once again covering the ground I could feel my heart begin to race and my mood begin to plummet. I honestly couldn’t think of one thing to be thankful for in that moment.

It was snowing: a wet, cold, unwanted, and unwelcome substance that was suppose to stay gone until November. (December if I’m lucky)

I was exhausted: completely drained and unable to even find the energy to blink my burning eyes.

I still had 3 essays to tackle, 8 classes to attend, 14 books/articles to read, and 2 exams to study for and write.

I knew that the moment I packed up my bag, and either drove home or set up camp in the library that my night wasn’t even close to being over. There was no break in the future – no light at the end of the tunnel.

But it was snowing, and my bed is heated, so I picked the lesser of two evils and I drove home, fully prepared to cover my blankets with books and start the essays that have been calling my name.

However, as I drove home with my windshield wipers going full speed to fight off the white stuff that was attack from above, I got to thinking about me.

In the midst of planning my future, I have let my “present-day self” get forgotten. I spend all my time focusing on due-dates, and deadlines, and job opportunities that I have lost sight of my “everyday” goals and only focused on my “future” goals.

With my internship opportunity I have let all my writing revolve around horses (which is, without a doubt, one of my favourite topics) and the magazine (which I am extremely thankful for & excited to be apart of) but I haven’t taken the chance to write just for me. I haven’t given myself the opportunity to sit down long enough to let my thoughts find their way to my fingertips.

So tonight, I am ignoring all my responsibilities, all my due-dates, and all my deadlines and I am crawling into my heated bed with a book that isn’t required for one of my courses and I am taking back time for my present day self. Because even though all these changes and responsibilities are exciting and beneficial, I need to remember that taking care of myself still needs to be my number one priority.

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