Drowning in my own self-pity.

I have vented a few times about how crappy my summer is going. And how much I hate growing up and taking on adult responsibilities. And like everyone else in the world, I think we can all agree, that we all hate mondays, because they are the start of all evil. So basically what I am telling you, in a very round about way, is that I had a very very terrible monday.

In fact, if I have to be honest, my sunday night wasn’t that great either. But let me catch you up to speed – there were major thunderstorm warnings all throughout southern Ontario last night – and I was home alone with two dogs one of which is terrified of loud noises. For most of the night, when she wasn’t crawling repeatedly over my stomach, she laid shaking on my head. Sounds comfy doesn’t it? I bet you guys can guess what dog I am talking about… thats right Taz (formly known from the post “The TAZ-manine devil”) who,  by the way, is currently curled up peacefully beside me catching up on all the sleep she didn’t get last night.

After fulfilling my duty as a good dog mother and calming my little rascal until the storm settled, my 6 a.m. alarm sounded way too soon. I dragged my ass out of bed and everything went completely down hill from there. I spent majority of my morning pissed off, frustrated, close to tears, and completely hating the world. I kid you not, I spent 5 hours too angry to even speak. As I worked away this morning with smoke pouring out of my ears, I fully planned to write a very detailed blog about how the world is a terrible place, and my summer was the worst summer ever, and what exactly went wrong this morning.

But then I realized something. 

I am lucky enough to have two dogs by my side in the middle of the night. I had to help them through the storm. But they protect me every single night and I have no doubt that they would protect me if they were ever put in the situation. I may have lost sleep, but I gained cuddles and if I have to be honest – I would do it again, because one day I am going to wish I had more cuddles and little puppy kisses.

I am fortunate enough to have nailed down two summer jobs this year. Some other people that I know couldn’t even managed to find one – but I found two. Not to mention I am healthy enough to get up and go to work every morning. My feet ache and my chronic hip pain sometimes makes me double over in pain – but I am more then capable of physical labour.
Not to mention I have a safe and reliable car to drive myself around. And I make enough money to put gas in the tank and still feel like I am contributing to my education expenses.
It’s a lot of work, and this morning I was completely ready to quit, but I didn’t because deep down I know that I am able and lucky to do this work every morning.

I also realized as I got trapped in a 10×10 stall with a very large horse, that was having a panic attack over unthoughtful lawn mowers outside his window, that I have the power to comfort an animal that could literally crush me if he wanted to.

I realized that even though I was having one of the worst mondays of my life – I was able to make a difference today. 
No, I didn’t change the world, or end world-hunger, or even impact the world of a human – but I was able to comfort my puppy when she thought her world was falling down around her. And I was able to reassure a 1200lb animal that I originally thought was going to kick me against the wall.

My monday absolutely sucked. And the reason that this blog post is titled “Drowning in my own self-pitty” instead of something like “I made a difference” is because even though I can recognize the few powerful and good things that happened today – I still spent all afternoon in bed.

My mother, who I love more than anyone in the world, is away on an amazing incredible vacation with a man who has only been in my life for one year, but is one of my greatest supporters – and I am happy for them. And I know that they both deserve it. And I am also extremely jealous that there mornings start off at the ocean, while mine start off in hectic and unorganized barn. But even though I am happy they are there – I don’t want to here about the wonderful view, or the fun adventures, because my day sucked. And because even though I am thankful for what I have, I wish I was also by the ocean.

So I am sitting here, in my dark room, with my sleepy puppy, in my pyjamas, drowning in my own self-pitty. Because I believe I have the right to be upset, and pissed off, and jealous for one afternoon. Even if I am incredibly thankful for my life.

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