My Irrational Fear Of The Thing That Transforms & Hops

I would be willing to bet that every single person in this world is completely and utterly terrified of something. Some fears and phobias might make sense or be easily justified to an outsider, and others… like mine for example, might be completely ridiculous and unexplainable.

And if your fear is anything like mine then you will be completely used to the fact that people make fun of you, and sometimes taunt you, and almost always laugh at you when terror takes over your face and your knees just simply buckle.

Now I am going to let you in on a little secret – a secret that I tell everyone that needs to know and a few people who don’t just because I like to cover all my bases.

I am completely and utterly terrified of frogs… and toads… dead, alive, stuffed, videoed, or even simply ones that just dance across my technology screens without my consent.

I am not judgemental though.
I hate them all equally.
Not one creepy little frog-like creature gets left behind.
They are all in my bad book.
Not one of them has a spot, or even a slight chance of getting a spot, in my life.
It’s simple really – just hate them all.
But at least I am fair about my hatred.

Now I bet you are wondering why these “innocent” and “harmless” little amphibians that have no teeth, or claws, or poison, have me so terrified.
And I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a question I haven’t asked myself 1000 times.
And I would definitely be lying if I said it wasn’t a question that people have asked me 2000 times.
So obviously I have had quite a few opportunities to perfect my answer to my war against the little things that hop – and I have narrowed it down to two very traumatic and life changing childhood experiences.

Experience One – Frogs:
I grew up with two male cousins. We were all the same age and it was awesome because I always always had people to play with. We used to do everything together – from jumping on the trampoline, to watching Disney movies, and then of course to exploring the pond at their new house. They had just moved in down the road from me, and we were fairly young. So while the rest of our family members unloaded and organized the nice big house – we set out to play. Within minutes my most favourite playmates had me holding a plastic walmart shopping bag that they continued to stuff frogs in.
Lucky me right?
Well… Kinda… I mean, I didn’t have to physically catch them…
I just had to hold their grave where they jumped around until they eventually suffocated.
Now that I am older I would like to formally apologize to all the frogs that I innocently harmed that day. I didn’t know any better. I just wanted to play with my cousins.
And to be perfectly honest here, those little buggers still haunt me to that day so I think I got the short end of the stick either way.

Experience Two – Toads:
Fast forward a few years later and too a new location. This time I was turning up potato’s with a different cousin. Apparently we weren’t doing a good job because my aunt felt the need to come and show us how it was done.
Pitch fork in…
A very loud deflating noise…
and one very large toad with half of his organs hanging out later…
I think you can image how awful it was watching that poor toad gimp away to his death bed.
I’m aware that his story sounds much worse than mine, but my experience has carried on with me for years after and I’m sure his only lasted for a few painful minutes.

So there you have it. The two experiences that I’m pretty sure destroyed any chance of having any type of relationship with frogs.

However there are a few other reasons that keep frogs in my bad books long after I stopped catching them to impress my cousins:

1. They hop. Everywhere and anywhere. They just hop where ever they want.

2. They are either slimy or warty. Neither of which is a very good quality.

3. They have creepy beaty eyes.

4. They have exceptionally long tongues

5. They transform. Nothing should start off as a fish and then change into a creature that lives on land. It’s weird.

6. Overall they are just shady

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never ever enjoy frogs.
And by enjoy I mean look at, touch, or acknowledge… In fact I’m pretty sure if I ever have children and one of them tries to bring a frog into the house I will have to send them away to boarding school – but this is a far off problem so I will worry about it later.

I am also pretty sure I will always run away when I cross paths with one, and I will terminate any relationship in my life if they try to ever come near me with one of those nasty little things in their hands. However everyone in my life knows this rule and it has been followed – even when I was little and my cousins would do anything to annoy me and scare me – anything but frogs that is.

Like I said earlier, I would be willing to beat that every single person has a deep dark fear in their life. Something that can’t be fixed or ignored. That’s just life.

Luckily I have found the perfect way to deal with mine… avoidance.

Good luck to all my readers with those fears of yours – is it crazier than mine? Is there even a fear that is more ridiculous than frogs?

– Jane.

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