Turning It Around

Lately I have fallen back into my routine.
I am back at home, which is where I always feel most happy and comfortable.
I am back at my gym, which gives me a purpose and way more happiness than a job should ever give anyone.
I am surrounded by people, and most importantly all my little fur babies, who I love and who love me back.
And I am kind of, sort of, not really, getting a small mental break from academics because I am only currently juggling one university course – which is like a vacation compared to the last ten months I’ve had.

So in summary, now that I have been home for two solid weeks and have had more emotional break downs than I can count on my fingers – I think I have gotten them all out of my system for a while – and when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture I can conclude that my life is pretty great.

I don’t for a moment think I have it all figured out. And I don’t think I’ll ever fully let my guard down – because lets be realistic here, the world is pretty mean sometimes. But for the last two nights I have gone to bed laughing while past 11 p.m. when I am normally overtaken by darkness by 9. I have had less sleep and a hell of  a lot more energy.

And I think I can conclude my current life change on a few simple things:

1. Confidence.
In the last two weeks I have tried out to be outrageously confident. And I mean confident to the point of being a cocky self-centred asshole. And I know that this sounds like a terrible thing to do and growing up you were always taught to be modest, but let me tell you, when you have demons breathing down your neck – it totally helps to look in the mirror and conclude that you look pretty damn great today. Or post that selfie on instagram that you’ve been hiding for weeks. Or even just spending an entire day in your underwear because you’ve learned to embrace your legs that you’ve never actually ever enjoyed.

2. Purpose.
Well I was away at school I did absolutely nothing except for school work. And I know that deep down my full purpose in life is to be a student and to get an education so eventually I can make something of myself. However it was extremely draining. Text books and lecture halls don’t really make you feel loved and appreciated. So, like I mentioned prior, I started back at my gym job. A couple times a week, where I constantly have to interact with old members and old friends and it has improved my mood every single day so far. It’s pretty hard to be sad and pissed off when you’re constantly surrounding by happy, friendly people who are actively working towards a better life style. In fact they are motivating me and helping me even though I am being paid to help them.

3. Love and Friendship.
I’ve also always been sort of a loner. I like my own space and to be honest the monsters in my head take up more time and energy making it hard to invest in long-lasting friendships. However, earlier this week when I was on Skype with my friend and laughter filled my house in the middle of the night I realized how important relationships are and how lucky I am for the people that help me fight every single day. I realized that I should put in more energy to the people in front of me, then the voice inside my head, and that once I start to do that – the voices get a little quieter.

I have always battled demons and nightmares and depression. Lately I’ve taken the step to make it all more public. I’ve seeked advice and comfort from friends, family, and complete strangers. But I’ve also made a few easy steps to turn it around for myself.

I know that I am the only one who can fight the war going on inside my head. And deep down I know that I am strong enough to do this and for the first time in a while, I’ve suited up and gone to battle. Wish me luck.


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