Dear Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,

It’s been a while, I know. The last time I saw you your lips formed words that I didn’t know were possible between me and you. You told me to “stay away from you, and never f***ing talk to you again.”

I kept my promise, I haven’t reached out, drove by, or sent any of the text messages that sit patiently waiting in my draft folder.

But just because I kept my promise – keeping my promise – doesn’t mean it has been easy. And it doesn’t mean I don’t care. And it certainly doesn’t mean that there aren’t words unspoken between us.

I had a dream about you last night, one of many I might add. But last night I woke up in a panic, your number already half dialed on my phone. And then I stopped. Took a few deep breaths and tucked my phone back under my tear-soaked pillow.

Since then I have decided that I am tired of the nightmares, I am tired of you haunting my dreams.
Since then I have decided that it is time to break my promise, in a way that isn’t actually breaking my promise because I know you’ll never see this form of communication.

There are a lot of things I would like to say to you, a lot of things that I think you deserve to hear. So to start, in the most sincere way possible, I would like to apologize.

I am sorry that I broke your heart and left you stranded. That I promised you I would always stay, and then I walked away. I have an explanation for that of course. There is so much darkness already inside my world. There is already a blanket of depression that hugs my soul even on my happiest days. There is a voice in the back of my mind that reminds me of my doubts and failures. In short, there is a sensation in my body and in my mind that consumes so much of my energy and sunshine. Please don’t feel bad for me Old Friend, because this isn’t news to you.

But that feeling is so much to deal with and I was not strong enough to handle your weight as well. I thought I was, I thought I could handle my feelings while also solving your problems. I thought that I was ready. I tried my very hardest for you and I know that I fell short. So I am sorry that I failed you. I gave you support and comfort and in the process I started to drown. This, of course, is nobody’s fault but my own. But you got lost in the waves, and failing you was too much to handle for me.

I am sorry that you threw away our friendship and all of our memories. I have a lot to offer in a friendship, even if some days I fail. I am sorry that the pain became to much for you, but if I have to be honest I am so mad at you for this. I am mad that I can’t go into town without fearing that I will run into you. I am mad that I can’t look back at my childhood, and my teenage years and smile anymore. I am mad that you abandoned me at my lowest, because even when I was struggling I would never completely cut you off – but you did without even looking back.

I know that we can’t be in each others lives. We’ve tried numerous times. To state it bluntly – we don’t work together. I have come slowly to accept this, but now I am grieving the friend that I grew up with. I know that people drift apart, and that sometimes two lives just don’t fit together, but it still sucks.

I will keep my promise. I won’t come back again, but for this to be fair I need you to leave too.

I hope that you are happy, and I hope that you are safe. But if I have to be completely honest here, I hope that this makes me forget about you.

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