I may be fighting, but I’m winning.

After some self reflection I noticed that a lot of my blogs circle around the topic of self-doubt and self-acceptance. I think this is a normal thing for people to experience. I think it is even more normal for a 19 year old girl. And just because I think it is normal for a 19 year old doesn’t mean for a minute that I think you outgrow it when you grow up. I honestly believe that it is a struggle I personally will always have to deal with and conquer – even if it means only winning for a few days at a time.

Lets face it, life isn’t easy. Some days everything goes right and easy and on those days you are thankful for the burning sun. Other days though, there seems to be a thick cloud in your mind, everything challenges you, and you curse the sun that is way to hot in the afternoon sky. This unfortunately is life.

I go through different phases, I set unrealistic expectations for myself and I tear myself apart when I don’t achieve them. There might seem like an easy solution to this – stop setting such high expectations – but sadly that will not happen. At least not for me. Trust me, I have tried.

We all have personal battles that we are fighting. And honestly most people wont understand them – in fact some people might not even try to understand what you are going through. I have learned however that this is ok. It doesn’t matter if they understand, and it doesn’t even matter if they care (or pretend to care) because they can’t fight your battles for you – just like you can’t fight theirs for them. You probably pass 100 people a day, and you might judge them, or look down at them, or compare yourself to them. But what you don’t notice at the time, or at least what I don’t notice, is that these people are scarred and broken just like you are and the world is a cruel enough place without a random stranger judging them too.

I recently finished my first year of university, and then immediately after I started and finished my first semester of college. Now I am moved back home, started back at my old job at a local gym, and am settling into routine. Some routine is so easy to accept back, like sleeping in my extremely comfortable queen sized bed when I have been stuck in a twin for 10 months. But other routine is a little challenging; for example I am struggling being back in my small little town that holds so many personal demons.

I know for a fact that I have a lot to be thankful for right now, and a lot to be happy about. But lately, more often then not, I find myself drowning in a sense of darkness that I couldn’t explain even if my life depended on it.  I have accepted this state as a challenge, even though it sucks, I know that it is just a part of life that I have to conquer – a quest to prove, once again, that I am stronger then any demons I might have.

That’s the funny thing about life, and it’s something that you can acknowledge at a very young age, it doesn’t pay you any favors, it doesn’t make your days easier when your heart hurts, and it doesn’t personally pick on you.

I have never been a big believer in the saying “life isn’t fair to everyone” because I believe that life is fair in the sense that it gives everyone their own personal obstacles. You can probably look at your friend, or a stranger on the street, and conclude that life was “fairer” to them because they have more money, or more clothes, but I can guarantee that that person is struggling with battles that you couldn’t handle. Life constantly throws you curve balls but it doesn’t give you anything that you can’t handle. The amazing thing about life is it knows how strong you are before you ever do.

Right now I am struggling, there are some nights when the weight of the world seems too heavy on my shoulders. But there are other moments throughout the day when it feels like the sun is in my hands and I am lucky enough to share some happiness with every person that I see.

Don’t think that I am weak on my bad days, because those are the days that I am fighting my hardest.

On the days when I honestly don’t think I can move forward anymore I force myself to look back on my life. I force myself to remember all the obstacles that I have over come. I force myself to remember all the demons I faced and beat. And I force myself to acknowledge that, so far, my success rate is 100%. That’s right, I have cried, fought, struggled, won, and moved past 100% of my hard times and if that isn’t enough motivation to keep fighting then I don’t know what is.

This is my life, my reality, my struggle and my accomplishments and even on my very worst days I am thankful that I am strong enough to conquer the worst things that I have faced.

– Jane.

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