My mind begins to betray me.
Every time the night sky begins to fill the air my thoughts change.
My mood dips.
My eyes fill slowly.
I’ve been doing so good without you.
But lately I haven’t been able to shake you.
My nights are torturous.
And I think that you’re the one to blame.
You took away apart of me once, but I thought that I finally set myself free.
I was wrong – clearly.
Suddenly you have found your way back into my thoughts,
Suddenly you have found a way to steal what was never yours.
There’s a saying that the sun loved the moon so much he died for her every night to let her breathe. And I think this was true for me and you, except while I was busy dying for you – you never noticed how much I sacrificed, or how much I died inside.
Some days everything reminds me of you.
Some days, when the sky’s open up and the thunder fills my ears, it feels like the weather is a secret message from you to me.
Some days it feels like my entire heart is going to explode inside my chest.
But even on those days, and on every painful night, I try to convince myself that I could care less about you.
I remind myself of the days you left me broken and breathless.
I remind myself that you aren’t the person I used to know – in fact, I don’t know you at all anymore.
Sometimes I sit here, bruised and broken, my entire body slumped over with exhaustion and I have no idea where you are, or what you would be doing.
And I know that even my best guess would be wrong.
You took so much from me already, you stole my light and you turned it off.
I thought that I had found the switch to turn it back on,
But I guess that’s just one more thing that I was wrong about – just like I was wrong about you – some days you still control my light, and some days it still flickers.
But even tonight, when my entire body shakes from your absents.
My fingers will not find my phone.
And I will not dial your number.
And I will never come crawling back – and even if I wanted to – I honestly wouldn’t know what direction to head.