It’s 2am. It is 2am and I have 7 hours of straight school tomorrow. It is 2am and I have to be up in 5 hours. It is 2am and I don’t function on less then 9 hours of sleep.
Lately I have been in a really good place. My life has felt like it has been completely together. I removed some toxic people from my life, repaired relationships, made more time to write and focus on things that are important to me. But sadly, for me, all good things must come to an end.
On average, about once a week, I will have a really bad day: normally for no reason. Some days I just wake up and the entire world is against me. Today was one of those days. I was just in a mood. I was sad for absolutely no reason. I cried over the stupidest things. And everything that could have gone wrong… did.
I started college 3 days ago. Waking up at 730am hasn’t been fun or easy for me. I am exhausted majority of the day and I am already completely overwhelmed with schoolwork and responsibilities. Silly me for taking on a 6-week full course load college course as well as a 12-week online university English course. This might not seem like a lot of work, but trust me… it is. In fact, I would argue that it is harder then first year of university: which was generously spaced out now that I am experiencing such a tightly packed schedule.
But back to the point here, it is 2am and all of my amazing, happy, “my life is so wonderful and I have everything figured out” days have caught up with me. I am currently experiencing a major setback. And honestly I couldn’t even tell you why. It is just one of those days. Unfortunately this day is dragging on, especially since it has decided to pair itself with insomnia so I really can’t escape it. Normally I do pretty well, I distract myself, and I stay busy. But now it’s 2am and the weight of the world has come crashing down on my shoulders and I am completely alone. That has to be one of the worst things – feeling completely alone. I am not obviously, I have people in my life, but like I said it’s 2am and most normal people are sleeping.
Aside from the fact that most normal people are sleeping, I don’t even know what I would say if I called someone and woke them up at this hour. “Oh Hey, Nothings Wrong… Well actually, Everything’s Wrong, But I can’t pin point an exact thing and I know it’s 2am but I just needed to hear your voice even though I know you’re just going to fall asleep on the end of the line”. It wouldn’t be exactly comforting, I don’t even know if it would help. I just know that it has to be one of the worst feelings when you feel completely alone.
I am sorry for my rambling. Lately I have been trying to be upbeat and cheery. And honestly those moods were a reflection on my life, but like I said all good things must come to an end. Although I know that this mood will be temporary, and that bad days are important so that you can appreciate the good – I also know that sometimes these moods happen at the absolute worst time with no way to shake them off. Like literally no way to shake them off.
Setbacks are a common thing in life. In fact, they are present in everyone’s lives. I would argue that without setbacks you aren’t truly human. Humans are constantly trying new things, pushing boundaries and evidently sometimes you are going to run into challenges. If you could do every single thing perfect right off bat, then you wouldn’t feel any sense of real accomplishment. Logically I can look at setbacks, even personal ones, and know that eventually something really good is going to come out of it. I know how important setbacks are in development and personal growth. I get it, I really do. Like I’m sure most people do. But like everyone else in this world, setbacks are never fun when you are experiencing them. In fact the only time that I ever look at a setback as a positive thing is after I have overcome it and I am reflecting back on it.
Although, I am trying to change this. At least a little bit, or (more honestly) at least today. Mainly because it is 2am and I know that if I don’t sleep soon then tomorrow will be just as bad, if not worse, than today was because I will be exhausted. Also because I have been in this mood for well over 24 hours and if I don’t shake it off soon I might very well go insane.
I like to consider myself a happy person. Someone who has their life together most of the time. Someone who practices resilience: someone who can roll with the punches. But sometimes I get stuck in my own head, and sometimes I let my emotions and thoughts get the better of me. Sometimes, my demons win for a little while. After all, I am only human.