Happiness is an emotion that I sometimes struggle with. Mainly because it is so easy to look at the negative aspect in a situation, or complain about something that is going wrong. In fact we are programmed to talk about the things that are going wrong, and as sad as it is to say, we love dwelling on the negative. If you take a step back and look at this its a pretty fucked up society that we live in. Shouldn’t we focus on the positive? Talk about what makes us happy? Remember the things that make us get out of bed in the morning instead of the demons that we are hiding from? It is so easy to get caught up in the darkness of this world. It is so easy get discouraged and distressed. But what I am learning is how important it is to feed the light that shines within you.
I am a university student. I struggle with things on a daily bases. Whether it be social drama, overwhelming term papers, or failed exams – there are constantly obstacles being put in my way in my day to day life. And most of the time, I will admit, I dwell on the negatives of these obstacles. Firstly because it is easier to just be pissed off at the thing that pissed me off. And secondly, because people love to hear about what is going wrong and therefore when I focus on the negative – I acquire a bigger audience. Pretty lame when I look at it from an outsiders perspective, but it makes sense during the time.
I am in the final stretch of my first year of university. Everything is wrapping up, but sadly that means I am also in the whirlwind of exams. Today, for example, I failed my psychology exam. I can’t actually confirm that, obviously, since I just wrote it – but during that entire exam, and as soon as I was reunited with my phone I sent out a mass text expressing that I failed. It was unrealistic and impossible to know that or even think that I failed it, but it got me the sympathy and the reactions that my body is programmed to crave.
On a more general scale, I find that more often than not, especially recently, my happiness has been determined by people around me or materialistic objects. Which is wrong, oh god knows that is is wrong, but thats how my happiness has been determined lately.
Tonight, after I endured several emotional breakdowns – which were of course self inflicted – I remembered how to feed the light inside of me. Tonight, for the first time in ages, I realized that genuine happiness comes from no body but myself. Tonight I experienced how much happiness comes from inside me. Tonight I saw the world in a new perspective.
Obviously people lose their way. Some days are darker than others. Some emotions become more dependent on other people for a while. Eventually though, once you find your way back to yourself, and you realize just how important YOU are, the world becomes a little bit brighter all on its own.
What finally brought me back to myself, after months of stress and self doubt, was finding my creative mind. Tonight I took the time away from friends, away from studying, and away from my life to reconnect with a part of me that I was so scared disappeared. Tonight I channeled my inner child, and I opened up the doors to my imagination, and I found my voice drifting slowly back into the world of fictional writing.
This might not seem like a big thing to most people. In fact, most people probably think it is easier to write made up stories as oppose to self-reflection pieces. And a year ago I would have agreed with you. But lately, when school became my main priority and my life became a little too much to handle – my creative mind went into hibernation. It didn’t matter how long I stared at my computer screen, or how often I searched for inspiration, the only thing that I could bring myself to write was self-reflections. For the most part. It sucked, and it scared me. I sat here, constantly worrying that I lost my creative mind, that I let it slip through my fingers, so far out of reach. But once I gave myself some time to breathe, my voice found its way back to me.
It is currently 1am. For the first time in weeks I am awake because the words are flowing freely from my body, not because I am stressed over exams. For the first time in months I am awake because I want to be, not because insomnia has taken over my life. For the first time, in what seems like forever, I am genuinely happy and the only person I have to thank for that is myself.
I would argue that I had forgot how to make myself happy without the help from others. I forgot how important it was to let the light inside you shine at all times, especially in darkness. I let my life, my stress, and my negative outlook almost completely shade the light that is inside of my body. But tonight I remembered how to turn my light on, and how to let myself shine again.
Tonight I experienced what genuine happiness feels like. Tonight I put myself back on track to being me.