Building Walls.

Overall I would consider myself a strong individual.

I know how to plan my day. In fact I know how to plan every little detail of my life to ensure that anxiety and doubts don’t have much time to talk to me. This may actually be one of my flaws, depending on who you ask. I plan everything, down to the exact minute, and this works for me. Although I can understand why it does not work for other people and I can reason why it annoys people in my life as well. But overall, I am organized and I know how to plan.

I am fairly good at communication. Although I don’t necessarily enjoy social situations and honestly, I would rather be by myself then interacting with other people my age. But aside from my own social anxiety issues, I know how to communicate. Doesn’t matter the age, or the conversation, or what else I have going on – if I take the time to engage in the conversation then I am devoted and committed to that said conversation.

I like to believe that I am a good listener and that I can provide helpful advice, both when it is asked for and sometimes when it is not.

And I honestly believe that I am forgiving and although this is a wonderful trait to have, lately I have been feeling like people are walking all over my flexibility.

I am at the point in my life where I am at a cross roads. I am (successfully) juggling education, personal hobbies, friendships and of course, family. I am trying hard to become the best version of myself that is possible; which means dragging my ass to the gym when I would rather be watching Netflix, sometimes choosing to eat salad for dinner, and ultimately pushing all my limits, because I have been stuck in my comfort zone for quite sometime and I have realized that it is impossible to grow within the walls of comfort.

But now that I’ve decided to push and expand everything that is normal and familiar in my life I am having a hard time finding the right time to draw a new line.

Unfortunately I am not talking about physical fitness, or education because in my opinion you should keep pushing your limits for as long as your motivation will let you – because lets get real no one REALLY wants to go to the gym 6 days a week and eventually your motivation is going to come up short – so keep at it well it lasts. What I am talking about is social situations or more specifically personal relationships. When do you turn and walk away from a person who clearly does not see your worth? Or how many chances do you give someone who shares your DNA even though they are openly lying to you?

Actually more importantly, how do you draw the line and cut off ties and walk away without feeling guilty?
How do you leave someone behind when they’ve known you for as long, or almost as long as you’ve been alive? What gives you the power to say “No More!” and stick with it?

Normally I am pretty good at putting up walls and shutting people out who, lets face it, deserve the boot. But when it comes to family, or people who are pretty damn close, I always find myself leaving the door open just a crack, in hopes that maybe one day they will actually live up to the image I keep in the back of my mind.

I am a strong individual, who is working hard to improve myself for myself. I am pushing my limits in every aspect possible within my life. But now I need help building back the walls.

Jane.

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