He let me into his life like water being poured into a glass. All of a sudden I was there and I was everywhere. He couldn’t stop me, there was something about his soul that needed me – it was out of his control.But he knew me well enough to know I was poison, I wasn’t ready to let him in the way he did me. So he left his heart out, I was never given him fully because I wasn’t ready to take him. So he waited.
He tried to be guarded and shield me from his feelings. Most of the time he failed. I could see how happy he was in his eyes. They literally light up when he’s happy and excited. The happier he was, the brighter his eyes got. I was always so mesmerized by the way they changed so suddenly. Like all of a sudden he saw the entire world as a better place and it took my breath away. It’s like he forgot about anything bad that ever happened and he just let everything in for a few seconds. Those moments when the happiness shone out of his eyes I swear I could see right inside of him and it was like his happiness became apart of me too.
I could tell when he was pissed off or angry because he completely shut down. No emotion every crossed his face. He was just mutual. His eyes clouded over a little bit and sometimes he would squint his eyes so that his forehead would fill with worry lines. But he never said a word and he never gave away any more than that. I could be sitting beside him, holding his hand, and cuddled all close, but I knew that when the pain got to be too much he shut me out to. There was nothing I could do but ride out the wave. It was like he was building walls right in front of my face, and I was hopeless to stop them. In the end though, once he got over his moods, he would pull me back inside the walls he built and let me back into him.
But my favourite thing, and the one thing that never failed to tell me how he was feeling or what he was thinking about was his choice of music. At the beginning of the night when he first picked me up, right after work and when he was still unwinding from his day and excited to see me, I got fast loud music that had an amazing beat. But by the end of the night, when he was driving me home in the peace of the night, after we bickered and joked all night long, and long after the rest of the world was fast asleep, I got soft country music while he stole glances at me the whole ride home. I never paid attention to the music until I realized how much it was telling me. He would flip through his playlist for minutes before we even pulled out of the driveway. It was like he was searching for that perfect song that described what he was feeling or what he wanted to share with me but couldn’t find the words. The comforting country lyrics would fill the truck, his hand would find mine, and for the next ten minutes we didm;t need words between us because the music was enough.
The end of the night was always my favourite, it was always so bittersweet but always so perfect. It was like I finally got to see the side of him that he was too nervous to share with me in the daylight.