Outcast

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong anywhere? Doesn’t matter what you do or where you are – you just don’t fit in. I think it’s probably normal for people to feel like this at some point in their life – but it doesn’t matter if it is normal or not, or if it happens to everyone else or not because when it happens to you it really sucks.

The reason I bring up this topic is because a) I feel like it is a feeling that a lot of people go through at some point in their life, and b) I am currently experiencing this feeling.

I thought moving away to university was going to be a huge life changing experience for me – it is for everyone else right? You never hear stories about university not being a good experience, or not making a ton of friends at university, or university not being the best time of your life… but thats how I am feeling which brings me back to my original point of not fitting in anywhere.

Don’t get me wrong, overall I enjoy my school and am looking forward to my program especially when it starts becoming more directed to journalism. But when it comes to the specifics of university I feel like it isn’t for me.

To begin, I HATE residence. I know how strong that word is, and yet I still use it with full confidence. I hate having to walk down the halls, I hate being surrounded by people at all times, I hate how loud it is, I hate the food that is provided and I hate eating in the cafeteria… to summarize, I hate all of residence. This might have some connection with my social anxiety, I tend to lock myself in my room and only come out when I absolutely need to – but the thought of walking down and sitting in the common room with 20 other people makes my heart beat and my legs freeze up. The drunk activities that take place 5 out of the 7 nights don’t make any sense in my mind and realistically I don’t know how to connect or hangout with people who think this is a fun activity to take place in. Being woke up at all times in the night due to this drunk activities don’t make me a very happy camper either or make me want to befriend the people who think its acceptable to wake me up at 3am – I really like my sleep.

Secondly, being surrounded by people 24-7 should make it easy to make friends right? Wrong. Unless you want to get drunk all the time and run around in the middle of the night – friends are not that easy to find. I outcasted myself from the very beginning – I like my personal space, and I like to be sober 98% of the time. I have been in school for over two months and still haven’t made any real friends to connect with and consult in for everyday problems. This makes living away from home 10X harder then I ever expected but unless I want to completely change how I live my life I don’t see this fact changing anytime soon. I am a social outcast, but I was in high school too… I was just hoping university would change that for me. Give me more people to interact with, more groups of friends to find… heck, even find some people who don’t like to drink and party 24-7 but you shouldn’t be naive, university is for drinking and partying and if you aren’t into that, just like me, then you’ll find a lot of time catching up on series on Netflix and maybe even writing a blog.

There are a lot of things that university has to offer, but in reality university is just a bigger high school. For most kids this is an exciting time of year and the best time of their life but I really hope that isn’t the case for me because I want to be able to look back on life and know that I did more important things then feel like a compete outcast in university. I know for a fact that university will not be the best part of my life because I will not settle for these 4 tortuous years to define “my best years of my life”. And for everyone else who may be in the same situation as me and feeling the same way I do – like you’re completely alone – I wish all of us the best of luck because I don’t have any advice to make it all better.

Jane.

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